Sanity Check
by LadyAsfaloth
Summary: A series of silly and random prompts throughout the series, focusing on character relations and interactions. Majority Shenko and/or Shenko themed.
1. Twisted Twister

**Hey, everyone! Thanks for clicking, now here, let me bore you to death with a lengthy introduction.**

**What this is: **Anyone who has been on DeviantArt is probably familiar with something called an OC Quiz. For those of you who aren't, an OC, or Original Character, Quiz is a fun little survey type thing meant for artists and writers. You're given a series of numbers (typically 1 through 10), and you must assign an original character to each number. Then, you'll be given prompts in which you supply your character for the given number and you do what the prompt says (for example, "4 and 7 go out on a date, how does this go?").  
However, I don't have any original characters, so instead, I filled in the quizzes using Mass Effect characters. Some of the prompts, I found, were quite coincidental and/or humorous, and that gave me the idea to write one-shots based off of the ones I thought could be expanded upon!

And that's where this Fanfic comes in to play. Each one of these chapters will be based off of a prompt from a quiz. Being that I'm hopelessly in love with the pairing, most of these will be Shenko, or Shenko themed, and seen through either Shepard or Kaidan's point of view (with the rare exception). The Shepard I'm using is my own Canon FemShep, a Paragon Spacer War Hero Soldier, though aside from a reference or two I try to make it ambiguous so we can each see our own Sheps as we read. Also, most, if not all, of these will be completely random and rather humorous. If that's not your cup of tea, then this story probably won't tickle you pink.

Each scenario will be listed at the top of the chapter, as well as when it takes place roughly in the storyline. I try not to stray from canon (with the exception of ME3's ending), and I'll make it clear if and when there will be spoilers. These probably won't be related to each other, nor in chronological order.

What's that? You're tired of my yapping and just want to get on with the prompt already? Oh, fine, fine.

**Prompt: _1 (Kaidan), 7 (Shepard), 9 (Liara), and 10 (Garrus) play Twister. What happens?_**

**Timeline: ME3 (light late game spoilers!) Post-Rannoch, Pre-Cerberus Base**

**Disclaimer: Bioware owns all: The characters, the settings, and most of my soul. Twister and all other mentioned board games are property of their rightful publishers. I only seek to gain personal entertainment through my writing; In no way am I expecting or making any sort of income. **

* * *

"You know, Commander, when I suggested we have a game night, I really meant Strip Poker."

Shepard exasperatedly shook her head at Vega, carefully placing her teetering stack of board games down on the Lounge Room's coffee table. "Wrong type of crew bonding, James," she retorted with a smirk.

"Plus," Garrus added from his seat on the couch, "I think we'd like to hang on to whatever credits we have left."

James scoffed. "What, scared of losing again?"

"Not scared," Kaidan laughed, seated on the couch opposite Garrus', "just broke."

As the three men continued their banter, Shepard turned her attention back to the boxes she had been carrying, scanning the titles for one the crew might enjoy.

Liara scooted closer, cocking her head curiously. "Shepard, what are these?"

"Board games," the woman answered, her gaze lingering for a second on 'Battle of the Sexes'. Tempting… until she realized that she and Tali were the only females in the group, and monogendered Liara would only complicate the situation.

"Bored games? Isn't that an oxymoron?"

"No, board with an a. Human children play them, they usually involve some sort of strategizing or competition." Taboo? No, their translators were good, but far from infallible enough for that one.

"What's this?" The Asari reached down to pick up a box labeled Twister.

Twister! Shepard's eyes lit up mischievously. Why hadn't she thought of that in the first place? "Well, let's play it and you'll find out!" Scooting the coffee table out of the way, she pulled the polka-dotted plastic mat from the box in Liara's hands and spread it out on the open floor space.

"Really, Lola?" James laughed, motioning to the game pad. "There's no way you're getting me to play that."

Shepard feigned a sigh, a teasing glint in her eyes. "I don't think you could play even if you wanted to, Lieutenant. This game requires bend."

"Let me assure you, I can be quite bendy," the soldier smirked, "and I'd be happy to give you a private dem- Ow!" She laughed as Kaidan silenced Vega with a friendly yet forceful elbow to the gut.

Turning her attention back to the game at hand, the Commander motioned Liara over, then glanced towards the rest of the crew. "We need two more players… Alenko, you up for the task?"

Kaidan shrugged, flashing her that small grin he knew she loved. "Sure, I'm game."

"How 'bout it, Garrus?" she shifted her gaze to the Turian. "You can show us some of that reach and flexibility you mentioned."

"I didn't know you were in to _those_ kind of games, Shepard," he chuckled, but strode over to the mat nonetheless.

Assigning Tali as the spinner (who had become quite enthralled with the plastic device), Shepard then addressed her three crew mates standing around the playing field. "The game's pretty simple, really. Tali will spin the spinner, and call out the color and body part it lands on. For example, she could call 'left foot blue'. We'd all then place our left feet on a blue circle as quickly as possible, but you can't share a circle with someone else. No touching the ground with anything except your hands and feet; if you do so, you're out. No foul play, and that includes kicking, punching, tripping, headbutting, and pushing. Last one left standing wins. Got it?"

"Is that all?" Garrus scoffed. "You humans make your games too easy, even my grandmother could play this."

Liara still looked somewhat perplexed, but she nodded nonetheless.

"Alright, Tali," the Commander glanced over her shoulder, "give it a whirl!"

The Quarian did as she was told, looking almost giddy with delight as the plastic arrow spun its way around the circle. "Right hand yellow."

* * *

"I thought you said this was a children's game, Shepard," Garrus commented ten minutes later, his voice muffled due to the fact that his face was nearly sandwiched between her back and the ground. "It seems rather…kinky, to be given to your young."

Shepard hesitated before responding, sliding her foot to the most recent color Tali had called. The new position it provided only added more fuel to the Turian's contemplation. "It's only 'kinky' if you think of it that way, Gar." Although, given the current state of the players, it was difficult to look at the situation as anything but that.

The game had started off innocently, but it hadn't taken long to deteriorate to its present condition. Garrus seemed to have the worst of it. He was lying almost completely flat on the ground, his arms and legs twisted in ways that didn't seem even remotely possible. _Damn, he really __**was **__flexible_.

Shepard herself wasn't having too much of an issue, facing the ceiling with her hands splayed out behind her and legs reaching forward. She wasn't about to fall anytime soon, but balance wasn't the matter at the moment.

No, the problem resided in a certain Biotic's position. Kaidan loomed directly over her, their bodies just inches apart. His arms extended down on either side of her chest, and he had one of her thighs pinned between both of his own.

Liara, of course, was doing just fine, poised in an almost yoga-like position in her own little corner of the mat.

Shepard struggled to keep her mind focused on the game, and out of the gutter that was cluttering her thoughts. It was impossible to ignore the heat radiating off of Kaidan's body, or the way his breath tickled her neck with each exhale. His cocky smirk didn't help, either. She could've sworn he was doing it on purpose… Hell, he'd probably planned the whole situation out from the start.

"Left foot green!" Tali called, half giggling, half slurring. The Quarian apparently couldn't hold her alcohol down.

The shift in positions only proceeded to make matters worse. Shepard now had both of her legs stuck between Kaidan's, and the space between them fused so that their bodies were in full contact with each other.

All innocent thoughts fled from her mind. "I said no foul play, Major," she murmured, meeting his eyes with an impish grin.

"Oh, I see nothing _foul_ about this," he whispered back. His face hovered just barely above hers; it wouldn't take much to close that gap and replace the smug smile he wore. "In fact, I think we should be playing this game more-"

"Liara, **no**!" Garrus' shout was all Shepard heard before a high pitched yelp sounded, followed by the four players crashing to the ground in a tangled heap.

A bout of silence ensued, before Tali and Vega broke in to profuse laughter.

"I guess I couldn't reach that far…" Liara sheepishly muttered from somewhere above Shepard.

"Mf mffff mfmf mfffffmf mfff mf fff."

"What was that, Garrus?"

"…Can't…Breathe…"

"Oh!" The Asari quickly stood up, allowing Kaidan to roll off of Shepard and the Commander to scooch from her position atop the poor Turian.

"Garrus, I'm not sure if you're a Turian Pretzel or Turian Pancake," she snickered, eyeing his rather uncomfortable looking poise.

"You got video of that, right?"

"Already sent it off to Joker!" James strode over, crossing his arms and looking down upon his Commanding Officer. "Well, Lola, I think I'd like to join in for the next round! This game night is a weekly deal, right?"

The woman glared up at him in response.

"You seemed pretty familiar with some of those positions, anything you'd like to share with your loyal crew?"

"Vega," she growled, "One more word, and you've got a date night with the airlock."

At least that shut him up.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Loved it? Hated it? Want more? Have your own Twister shenanigans to share? Then leave a review, I'd love to hear from you! As always, advice and criticism is well appreciated!**


	2. Bedtime

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay in updating! I'm not exactly the fastest writer, I get easily dis- Ooh, look, a bird!

**Spoiler Warning: Light spoilers for disc one of ME3 (Priority: Citadel [2] and prior missions) follow, read at your own risk!**

**Prompt: ****3 (James) walks in on an intimate moment between 1 (Kaidan) and 1's secret lover! 3 rushes to tell the secret to 5 (Joker)! How does this rumor spread?**

**Timeline: Set just after the Citadel Date (which, in my playthrough, was done directly after unlocking it) not that it makes much of a difference.**

Yes, I know this prompt had the potential to go in the opposite direction, but I'm more of a fluffy writer. As for the prompt itself, I've had this cute little mental image of Kaidan and Shep in my head for a while (you'll know what I'm referring to if/when you read it), so when I encountered this question amongst one of the quizzes, I thought it would be a great place to throw my mental image in.

**Disclaimer: As always, Bioware owns all the characters, settings, events, et cetera mentioned, I claim nothing for myself and am making no profit on this whatsoever. I just write these down for my own sanity and possibly the enjoyment of others.**

* * *

Vega glanced at the clock on his Omni-tool, stifling a yawn. Seven hours. Seven hours, he had sat in the cockpit listening to Joker's rambling. It wasn't that he disliked him. No, he enjoyed the Pilot's company, and understood that it probably got boring up here with only EDI as company, but _damn _could that guy talk.

"Alright, Loco, I'm out," the soldier sighed, cringing at the stiffness in his legs as he stood from the co-pilot seat.

Joker muttered some sort of reply as James strolled away down the bridge, rolling his shoulders in an attempt to remove the kink in his neck. Most of the crew had retired to their sleeper pods, he noted as he made his way to the elevator, with the exception of the few unfortunate souls assigned to the night shift. To his surprise, Traynor was still on deck, typing away at her console as usual. She flashed him a smile as he passed.

"Hey, Chica," he stopped a few feet behind her, "shouldn't you be catching your beauty sleep?"

She chuckled quietly, eyes still glued to her screen. "There's always just one more thing to do, it seems. Oh," the woman turned to him, holding out a datapad in Vega's direction. "If you wouldn't mind, could you deliver this to Shepard? Priority info from Hackett."

"Sure," he accepted the thin device, eyeing it curiously. "She'd be up in her cabin, right?"

Turning back to her computer, Samantha shrugged. "My guess is as good as yours, but I can't imagine she'd be anywhere else at this time of night."

"You don't think she's sleeping?" James asked nervously. The last thing he wanted to do was wake his Commanding Officer. It was widely known that she was definitely _not_ a morning person.

Traynor shot him a brief, sidelong glance. "I don't think she knows how to," she sighed, the humour intended in the statement completely void in her voice. "Anyways, off you go. I've got too much work to do to afford being distracted by chatty crewmates."

Bidding her goodnight, James stepped on to the nearby elevator, hesitantly pressing the button for the Loft. Arriving on the floor, he paused before approaching Shepard's door. He knew she kept an open door policy, and always made time for her crew, but the younger soldier still felt intrusive.

He rapped lightly on the cold metal of the door. "Commander?"

No response.

He called again, but still to no avail. Cautiously tapping the lock pad, James stepped into the room, halting suddenly in surprise at the sight that greeted his arrival. He wasn't quite sure what to make of the scene before him.

Lying asleep on the Commander's bed was Major Alenko, wearing only a pair of black, standard Alliance issue sweat pants. Shepard slept sprawled face down across his bare chest, head nestled in the crook of his neck, sporting a plain, grey tank top and pajama shorts with some sort of cartoon character printed on them. One of Kaidan's arms circled around her waist, the other lightly holding her outstretched hand, fingers laced together. With a smirk, James noticed Shepard was ever so slightly drooling as she snoozed.

Vega smiled. Despite his confusion and surprise upon discovering the current situation of his two superior officers, he couldn't help but find the scene adorable. He set the long forgotten datapad aside, snapping a quick photo of the sleeping couple before quietly retreating from the cabin.

Now, James had never considered himself one for gossiping, but this kind of revelation couldn't be kept quiet. He wanted some insight on the situation, but who could he talk to?

_Joker!_ Of course, the pilot knew the juicy details of everyone on the ship! Drowsiness long gone, the soldier tapped the CIC floor, striding straight to the cockpit upon arriving.

"So, you'll never guess what I just walked in on-"

"Shepard and Alenko?" Joker supplied, his tone as casual as if James had asked him about the weather forecast.

Taken aback, Vega blinked. "How did you-"

The pilot waved off his question. "Doesn't matter. Details, man, I need details! Doing what? Positions? Who topped? Spit it out!"

"Here, I took a picture," the marine activated his Omni-tool, flipping through the folders.

He caught the raised eyebrow expression Joker shot him. "I'm not sure whether you're a genius or an idiot with a death wish." Upon finding the photo, he revealed it to the other man.

"I was hoping for something a bit less _tame_, Lieutenant," Joker sighed, losing all interest in the man behind him and returning his attention to piloting. "Although, the '_Boo the Space Hamster_' PJs are a nice touch."

Vega shook his head. "You know that's the _Commander_ you're talking about, right?"

"Irrelevant, a good view is a good view."

"So, you already know about…them?"

"You didn't?"

"Should I have?"

Joker laughed. "They're not as good at hiding it as they think they are; You'd have to be a blind Turian _not _to notice."

The younger man recalled every time he'd been around the two Spectres together. Their meeting in Vancouver, the glances they'd exchanged, the tension on their way to Mars, the hurt in the Commander's voice when the Major had questioned her alliances, how distraught Shepard had seemed, watching over Kaidan's bruised and unconscious body in the med bay, rarely leaving his side, the point she made about getting back to the Citadel to check up on him regularly, the unspoken trust between them as Alenko turned his gun on Udina during the Coup… Initially, Vega had just assumed those were a result from their service aboard the SR-1, but the more he considered it, the more he definitely saw something deeper in their interactions.

Even in the past two weeks since the Major had joined the crew, Shepard had acted different. She seemed more…relaxed, somehow, even if only slightly, it was noticeable enough. Alenko accompanied her on every ground mission, which Vega first assumed was due to his position as Spectre or his Biotic talents.

"How long-"

"About three and a half years," Joker answered before he could even finish the question.

James reclaimed his earlier seat alongside the pilot's. "This oughta be an interesting tale."

"Oh, so _now_ you want to listen to me?" despite the roll of his eyes and sarcasm in his voice, the younger man could tell Joker was just itching to share what he knew. "Well, it all started back on Eden Prime…"

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Loved it? Hated it? Something I need to fix? Want me to fall off a cliff and never write another story ever again? Leave a review and tell me about it! Although if you tell me the latter, expect something snarky in reply. As always, advice and criticism are appreciated!**

Now I want a pair of _Boo the Space Hamster_ PJs...


	3. Accusation

"Joker!"

Oh crap. Abort abort abort abort.

One of these days, the pilot really was going to invest in mirrors on either side of his seat. While he would love to view the commotion surely charging towards him, facing the oncoming danger would almost certainly affirm his guilt. Still, he couldn't help but sneak a peek, and burst out laughing as a result.

It wasn't every day an Alliance Flight Lieutenant witnessed his Commanding Officer sporting the Fall Collection's signature Towel Dress. With her red hair plastered to her head in a wet, stringy heap, and blue eyes brimming with something more vicious than anger, she almost literally looked like a thunder cloud as she stormed into the cockpit.

Joker swung his chair around to meet her, biting his cheek in an attempt to maintain his best poker face. "Someth-"

"What the hell was that?" Shepard cut him off, one arm flying into the air in an insane hand gesture while the other clutched the towel wrapped around her. "And I know perfectly well that you know exactly what I'm talking about."

He figured he'd try his luck anyways. Not even the biggest scumbag in the Galaxy would injure a cripple, right? "Au contraire, I can't say I'm in the know in this situation."

"Oh no you don't," she thrust a pointed finger just inches away from the bridge of his nose, "you've got control over the entire ship."

"So does she," he hastily motioned to EDI, sitting stoically in her copilot's seat.

"I am remaining ambiguous to the situation," the AI responded, not even bothering to look away from whatever it was she stared at all day.

Joker was pretty sure the Commander's glare was the deadliest weapon in the entire freaking universe. Heck, all they needed to do was get her angry, and she could probably glare the Reapers back into dark space.

"The Normandy has an infinitely running hot water pump. Without direct trauma, nothing, NOTHING, would upset the flow of hot water. Unless someone were to disable it. Which can only be done," her angry finger inched closer and closer to his face, "from the pilot's console."

"Well…" he stuttered. There was no getting out of this one. "My fingers might've slipped, turned off the heater, I'm not sure."

Shepard squinted. "And you just so happened to do that at the exact time I was in the shower. My cabin's private shower."

Joker didn't respond, rather, his eyes flickered from left to right, desperately trying to come up with ANY excuse possible.

With a disgusted sigh, the Commander stood up. "I'm half tempted to ground your ass and send you down to help Chakwas in the med bay as punishment," she snorted, "and if it wasn't for your heroics yesterday on Rannoch, I think I just might. Now if you'll excuse me, I need some coffee. I expect to see you on your best behavior tonight, is that clear?"

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am," he saluted from his seat.

"Good. Purgatory, eighteen hundred sharp, not that you'll be late, of course." With that, she turned on her heel and strode down the bridge.

Man, he'd have to remember in the future that Shepard was NOT a morning person. He turned back to his dashboard.

"Jeff, you do realize that you recently poured the last of the caffeinated coffee for yourself?" EDI chimed.

"Well… Let's just not mention that to her, okay?"

* * *

**A/N: **Sorry for not updating this! My excuse is, I joined Tumblr (And anyone who's been on Tumblr knows why that's a perfectly legitimate excuse). This wasn't actually supposed to be part of this story, but heck, I figured that it's written and it fits, so why not? This was part of the 30 Day Drabble Challenge I'm attempting to convince myself to continue.

This also explains the noodle incident from my other fic, "Protheans Don't Sing", making this take place a few hours prior to it and therefore just after Rannoch in the ME3 storyline.

Sorry it's so short, and the lack of Shenko, but it's better than nothing, right? Thanks for reading, all who do!


End file.
